it hurts

I don't understand why it hurts so much to know that shes the one calling.
I don't understand why the sky is so blue and i feel so hurt.
Why are you with her if your so in love with me.
I'm not with anyone else.

giving up

So I gave up on a friend last night and I don't know what else to say other than it broke me. I never thought it would hurt this much but he has been in my life for a long time and now hes not. I love him very much and on most occasions want to be with him but that changed very drastically when things got physical this weekend and he told me AFTERWARDS that he had a girlfriend. Big mistake on his part. And then he calle me yesterday to freak out about lying to said girlfriend. I don't want to be unsympathetic but fuck him. I dont need to hear about it. All I wanted for a long time was to be with him. But that feeling is definatly gone and hopefully won't be coming back.

the other guy I've been seeing...I dont really know what to say about that. I've been holding back with him for two reasons....another girl and this other guy i just let go. I think that now that the othe rguy is out of my life I could very likey fall pretty hard for this guy. I already love him but I think the in love thing is gunna happen soon. I just hoope that it works out even for a little while because i hate being alone...and i hate not having anyone to call at 3am just cause im not feeling good or when i need to talk and my dumb friends are all busy.

All the things i want to say...

all the things i want to say keep running through my head and I cant stop them but i can't tell you either because when I do your reaction sucks. on syllable words are not sufficient for answers to how you make me feel or how you effect my brain and my heart and my life.



You just don't get it. I don't care anymore I just want to be with you. I dont care if you leave her over me I just want you to leave her so that we can start the journey towards being together.



I juist want you to hold me in your arms in front of your friends and to kiss me in restaurants and to tell me you love me when other people are around because you dont care what they think or say to us. I want all the things we have behind closed doors to be out in the open and I only want them with you.

The way you act when your with me and the way you act when your not are so different they scare me. Is this how she feels is this what she thinks about cause its not healthy and its driving me crazy and I need to get out of this situation but I love you...

why is it that I can always see what other people are doing wrong, and now I can see what im doing wrong but i cant stop myself from continuing to do it and it hurts and its lame and I just want to move away and be a different person, a strong person, and a person that is happy with who she is because she does everything in her power to make herself a better person.

When the lights turn off at night I should be able to think about friviloous things and fun people and what I'm going to do the next day but instead I think about how badly I am potentially fucking up a relationship that I'm not even in and how much I ate that day. I think about the amount of crunches and miles I'd have to run to work off those chips and that soda...but i keep eating and I keep drinking...and I keep sleeping with ppl that have significant others.

This is my life. I dont like. I dont want it. and maybe this is a new beginning...but probably not because I'll be home again in two weeks and I'll do all the same things and see all the same people and feel equally terrible as I do now.

silence and seduction

If silence is seductive, then I guess I'm your seducer. Though you may not ever know it I'll always be silent.

Feb. 26

It never seems to fail, that it all comes crashing down. Don't you see the truth? You can't be so blind that you believe all the lies. He's not happy with you but you just keep pushing. The lies are overwhelming yet you cant see them. The deciept will crush you when you finally find out but it wont happen soon because he wont just tell you.

Are your feelings real? Does he deserve you? Will you be there for him in the end?

Cause I will. And I love him. And he deserves me...